April 28, 2003
Tight as a DRUM, For Crying Out Loudentry,
Quite a few of you rightfully emailed me after my last open letter and pointed out, either indirectly or directly, that I was probably looking a bit beyond the mark. "Tight as a drum" was the phrase that I could have used in referring to what the muscles in my neck and back were threatening to do, and countless numbers of you (assuming I keep my socks on) suggested that exact phrase.
Other good suggestions included "tight as a tick's hatband," "tight as a bridge cable," and "tight as tupperware."
The Voices In My Head then got into the game, and coughed up "tighter than the front row on the Southwest Airlines flight between L.A. and Vegas," "tighter than Heston's grip on his Winchester," "tighter than a ten-sheet paper-jam," and "tighter than Boingo's brass."
That in turn led to a session of "one [blank] short of a [blank]," thanks to me having thought (but not written, until now) "one Elfman short of a Tim Burton film score." Alter the form a bit and you can get "30 cents short of first class postage," or "10 cents short of a phone call." The classic "one drumstick short of a family bucket" leads quickly to "one drumstick short of a drum solo," which leads right back to "tight as a drum."
At least two of you corrected me on my wrench metaphor. It's supposed to be an IMPERIAL nut. An empirical nut would be somebody dead-bent on testing EVERYTHING, and while a metric wrench might be a tight fit on such a loony, it might also be a really big wrench.
Speaking of really big wrenches, my neck and back are doing pretty well. My family doctor okayed a trip to the chiropractor after I turned him down on the offer of a neck brace and prescription painkillers. The chiropractor did things to my back with a combination of electrodes and his hands that made me feel much better, and Sunday I only needed three Advil.
Granted, I had to take them all at the same TIME, but hey, it's progress. Right?