Sunday December 10, 2000
Book 1: The Tub of Happiness — Bureaucracy Bountiful
in the interest of maintaining a common corporate image in spite of their suit-induced name-change (Colt Munitions eventually sued Old Navy, since the name "Old Navy" diluted the centuries-old trademark "Old Navy Revolver," a black-powder .36 manufactured by Colt during the American Civil War), Really Old Navy went to great pains to retain the indefinite services of Carrie Donovan, their aged female spokesperson. When the withered crone died for the third time in 2068, R.O.N. gave up on biological restoratives, and had her re-animated mechanically.

And you thought their ads were creepy back in the twentieth century...

PDFs

Transcript

Narrator: Locked, cocked, and ready to rock (only it has to be really mellow, elevator rock -- stupid restrictive contract...)
Tagon: Let's go, men. We've got 20,000 protesters to chase out of the streets.
Tagon: Look sharp, and don't back down. But you are not allowed to maim, kill, or wound anybody. These are unarmed civilians.
Nick: What if they attack us first?
Schlock: Can we maim them just a little bit?
Tagon: No.
Nick: Not even if we can find someone who IS armed?
Tagon: No.
Schlock: What about doing random property damage?
Tagon: No.
Schlock: Not even in the interest of looking scary and dangerous?
Tagon: Well... Maybe just a little property damage.
Brad: Cool! What about looting?
Tagon: Okay, but only at the 'Really Old Navy' store on the corner..
Schlock: Eeww.
Brad: Never mind.
Breya: So. Twenty thousand protesters, and only twenty of us...
Tagon: And we can't use force.
Brad: I say we lure them away. Have Admiral Breya do a pole-dance waaay over there.
Breya: Put your helmet on so I can feel good about punching you in the face.
Brad: Help! Tagon! She's using force! She's using force!